Example 1
One of my past negative thoughts about change was fear, fear of how I was going to socialise without alcohol, fear of how could I talk to people whilst sober? fear of not knowing what was around the corner, fear of what people may think of me if I act inappropriately If people wouldn't like me then how could I like myself. I was scared just in case I wouldn't sleep properly at night. What if when I give up drinking I still wet the bed and it was nothing to do with the alcohol in the first place, how embarrassing would that be. I would constantly worry about how I would cope with urges, and how strong they would be. I also worried about having to go through to many changes at once. I have tried giving up alcohol a few times and every time I felt fear I was right back on the booze again, to scared to get out of my bubble to face the world. I found myself fearing fear. I was frightened of not coping with the stresses of family life and the stress of financial matters. How will I get to know myself again? what if I can't find another way of coping in this big bad world?Alcohol is the only thing I know, the only thing I know that gets me through my working day and family life so how do I stop drinking? I would worry that I would become short tempered and snap at everyone I spoke to. It even crossed my mind that I’d become a really crap parent and husband if I gave up. Maybe I wouldn't like the person I'd turn into. How would I have fun if I put the drink down? How would I fill my time and what would I fill my time with? There was also the fear of building peoples hopes up and then relapsing and letting the people that love me down. If I went back to work now would I be able to keep off the bottle? Or would I be able to keep my urges whilst at work at bay? Also the fear of the realisation that I’m never going to drink again.
Example 2
Having the confidence to set goals and change as a person is a definite negative thought for me. I would like very much to go to collage and learn photography, but past experiences have taught me that low confidence has held me back, the confidence to build on relationships, the confidence to talk to people without worrying about making an idiot out of myself. Having the confidence to change alone is a frighting thought. The worry about stuffing things up because of low confidence or self esteem What if I have no confidence in going to meetings or even helping others to give up alcohol?. I will need the confidence to go for such collage courses and do well in life. For me going to collage, passing exams and doing well only seems to happen to other people. If I go to collage and fail then people may think the worst of me, they may think I’ve not tried hard enough or they may think I only did it to please other people. Even if I did pass the exams would I like it and stick it out?. Another example was thinking to my self “am I ready to admit to myself and others that I am an alcoholic?”. Am I ready to take that first step. I admitted to myself that I had a problem, I guess my family and friends just knew all along that I had a problem and didn't need reminding. The most important part for me was actually taking that step and admitting to myself I had a drink problem. I struggled admitting it to other people because I was frightened of the reaction.
Example 3
Another fear about putting down the drink was, and still is is family functions like birthday parties or weddings. I've attended a good few during sobriety and felt absolutely lost and very uncomfortable about been at these parties. Everywhere I turn there’s people sucking on an ice cold beer or a glass of wine and acting totally different to me. I become the odd one out. I would feel I’d have to laugh at their silly jokes just to fit in, just so I don't come across as miserable.
It makes me think that if this is how its going to be for the rest of my life, I might as well pick up again. I have not faced a Christmas or new year yet (as of writing this) whilst dry, and to be honest I’m not looking forward to it, but then again I have every faith in myself not to pick up and drink.
I spent most of last Christmas and new year very tipsy, and found it a perfect excuse to drink all day and night in front of my family, and nothing was said. If I was to give up drinking, this would all end and didn't want to face that prospect. To be honest it scared the hell out of me. My friends and family however have all agreed not to drink this Christmas and new year to which I’m grateful for.
Example 4
There was one time I decided to give up on my own accord, I must have been about 23 years old. It was after I wet my girlfriends parents bed. I suddenly decided that this was it, I was through with people nagging me to stop. I was also through with totally embarrassing myself in every way possible. I wanted to try and be someone better. I got a sudden feeling that I should be a better son and a better boyfriend, which I think was brought on by guilt.
I didn't really think that I had a problem though at this stage. I seemed to have a really strange attitude towards giving up. I just didn't want people nagging me. I was still in some kind of denial. I was a young lad that liked his drink, o.k I wet the bed a few times but that can be stopped. I still felt guilty about it though. I remember not so long after, probably about 2 days sober, going to the chippy for me and my mum. I just got to the chippy and along came my mates Lee and Francis. They just so happened to be on there way to a night club in Manchester. They'd been drinking already and I all of a sudden felt left out, and it has to be said...jealous. I knew what was coming next. As predicted they asked if I wanted to join them. They knew that I'd stopped drinking but still asked me. I explained to them that I was getting a sausage supper for me and mum, but they insisted in me going. Needless to say I ended up going leaving my mum wondering where me and her sausage had gone. I ended up coming home in the small hours scaring my dad half to death on his way to work. Apparently my parents were worried sick. I didn't even tell them where I’d gone. I woke up 12 hours later with a hang over from hell.
Example 5
When I was working on the buses I started to drink on my duty. I knew full well that what I was doing was terribly wrong. At first I'd only drink if I was on a late shift, but as time went on I started to drink on day shifts also. Here I was putting all these passengers lives at risk and I was doing nothing about it. I remember waking up in the morning before an early shift actually looking forward to getting my drink whilst I was behind the wheel. It seemed like that’s all I wanted to go to work for. I knew I had to stop doing this before I killed someone. One day after my shift I left 4 empty cans in my cab. The next morning my brother in law who also works at Tyrer bus found my bag of empties after he was allocated the same bus I'd been driving. He found me that day and had a word with me, my heart sank, yet at the same time I felt lucky that my brother in law got the bus I had and not somebody else. Mick (my brother in law) already had an idea that I was drinking on the bus anyway and I knew he wouldn’t say anything to work about it, but I did feel guilty about putting him in an awkward position, because if work found out what I was doing and also found out that Mick knew about it, his job would be on the line also, so taking into account what had gone on I decided that enough is enough. I just kept thinking how lucky I was that it was Mick that found my empties, so with that I promised Mick that I wouldn't do it again. My wife Liz found out about this and played hell with me, the hurt was etched on her face, she was hurting inside I could see, I felt for her. was this my future, was this what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Deep down I hoped not. I was confused inside. My head seemed to be spinning but my body not. How was I really going to stop doing this. I told my family that this was it and it will never happen again, but inside I was shiting myself. I didn't have a clue how I was going to stop drinking. Giving up alcohol was so scary but I had to stop drinking. Something needed to be done before it was to late, but what. I'd been here before and lost my family, licence, job, and self respect. I have learned nothing. I managed to give up for a few days and then my confidence to give up went. I wont be able to give up, that kind of thing only happens to other people, DOESN'T IT ??????????.
You see, these are the kind of thoughts that you must change in order to start sobriety. You will literally have to live and look at your life a whole lot different than when you were in drink, otherwise you will be known as what I call a "dry drunk", which basically means that you have put the drink down, but not changed any aspect of your life. The chances are, you'l find yourself back to square one and drinking again.
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